My Hopes and Fears

My biggest fear as I start this semester and begin tutoring is feeling lost. This is my first job since leaving the military at the end of 2009. Since then, getting used to doing things differently has been a serious challenge, and I am sure it will remain so. I did quite a bit of public speaking in my last year in the Navy, especially during my deployment to Kuwait and upon returning to San Diego. That was very different, though. In my briefings, pretty much the same questions were asked each week. Furthermore, I felt like I had the rank and the authority to command people’s attention. In the Writing Center, it is not quite the same. I am worried about making a mistake and looking foolish or like I do not know what I am talking about. I look forward to becoming comfortable and confident enough to conduct a tutoring session or deliver a workshop effectively. I know this will be difficult, and that the only way to get there is by practicing and learning from the more experienced tutors.

I think getting over that fear will become easier as I get more practice and feel like I am learning from others and from my own mistakes. I have a generally positive view of human nature, and I like to think that people are forgiving of those who try to help them, even when they cannot do it perfectly. In my limited time at the Writing Center, I have already experienced this and seen it with other tutors. No one can be perfect all the time. Still, it is scary for me to think about the very likely scenario that at some point, I will feel lost, and I am sure it will happen at some point during a workshop as well as at some point during a tutoring session.

This fear goes further than simply being worried about not knowing the material well enough, though. I worry about feeling lost in the Center in other ways. I worry about not doing everything at work right, about forgetting to do something, or about misunderstanding something. I am even afraid that my fear will show and feed off of itself.

Fear is a very powerful thing, and most often a negative one. But it can also serve to make me more aware of what I am doing, and to drive me to do the very best that I can in every situation. Like everything, fear is good in moderation. I hope that this is the case, and that I can use this fear for positive things. I do not want it to become crippling to the point of not letting me take chances and show leadership and creativity. At the same time, I do not want the fear to leave me completely, since that may lead to recklessness and lack of awareness.

So that is my biggest fear. I hope to soon feel as confident doing this as I felt doing my old Navy job.

new discourses

Have I ever had to learn a new discourse?
Well, as a grad student I have to learn a new one for every paper I write and for everything I read. Writing about Henry James is not the same as writing about Cormac McCarthy, which is also different than writing about Bartholomae. However, I never questioned this. I just also assumed that was what college consisted of. We invent new discourses based on our professors, our classes and our level of work. I am presenting at RMMLA (Rocky Mountain Modern Language Association) in a couple of weeks and I'll have to invent a new discourse then, too.
Is learning a new discourse scary?
In a word, yes. In two words, hell yes. Every time I invent a discourse or try on a new discourse, I am afraid it's the wrong discourse. Occasionally with some professors it is the wrong discourse and I end up having to re-do an assignment. Every time I submit that paper a part of me is terrified that everyone will discover I am truly an idiot and just pretending to know what I am doing and by connection, the discourse I have been using is faulty and I have to come up with a new one. This adds to the terror because it is a cycle. What if this new discourse doesn't work either?
Because of this, I can see why many students hate English and writing. If every time they tried on a new discourse they failed or were rejected, they probably want to stop trying. I do sometimes, particularly if I'm already nervous about the new discourse to begin with.
For example, I recently took a Shakespeare class. I was very uncomfortable with the first paper I wrote because I am used to a discourse that mainly involves twentieth century American, world and British novels, short stories and some poems. Plays are rare, and when they are there, at least the language makes sense. However, after I wrote my first paper and did well with it, I realized (unconsciously) that I had a comfortable enough grip on academic discourse that I could translate my 20th century skills to the Renaissance.
This is, in part, why I always tell my tutees that writing is like any other skill – practice makes you better. By writing and trying on different discourses we are more able to handle new ones as they come along.
I don’t believe that I’ll ever get over much of the anxiety that comes with every new class and discourse, but then again, maybe I’m just an anxious person. However, by understanding what goes into academic discourse and what is appropriate for each kind of paper or assignment, I am able to manage my fear and hopefully to help my tutees manage theirs.
This whole class had to undergo a discourse modification when Dr. Rogers explained what he wanted in the connections section of our reading responses. We have all had to modify our discourse, myself included.