Houston, we've had a problem here...

Did you know that the famous quote, "Houston, we have a problem?" is actually a misquotation? Attributed to Commander Jim Lovell of Apollo 13, the original phrase was uttered first by a crewman, Jack Swigert. The official NASA records say that at 55 hours, 55 minutes and 20 seconds, Swigert said, "Okay, Houston, we've had a problem here." They responded, "This is Houston. Say again please." Only then did Commander Lovell say, "Houston, we've had a problem. We've had a main B bus undervolt." So how did this horrible misquotation work its way into commonly spoken English? Hollywood. In the drama Apollo Thirteen, Tom Hanks said the fated words, "Houston, we have a problem."

When I first learned this, I was stunned. I'd been using it incorrectly my whole life! Immediately I made the necessary paradigm switch, and I took it upon myself to alert the rest of the public about this grievous misquotation. As I tutored on Thursday, a student came in with a paper to be corrected. I just about died. The title contained the dreaded words: "Houston, we have a problem!!"

All joking aside, factual errors are a real problem that a writing tutor must face sooner or later, and while I might not point out to the student that they've misquoted a phrase that is almost identical to the original, when students say something really outrageous, like "Martin Luther led the African Americans to equality" or "The French Revolution inspired the Americans to fight for freedom", I tend to get a little stressed. Especially if the factual error is in the thesis.

So what would I do if a paper was just so bad, it would be better to start over? I'd probably count to ten silently, and then (with a big smile on my face) tell them that this is a great beginning. I'd say something like, "You've got a lot of great ideas in this paper, although they don't seem to be very organized. Did you make an outline before you wrote this?" If they answer no (because if the essay is really that bad, it most likely doesn’t have an outline) I would say, "Alright, well, let's make an outline together. What is your thesis statement?" Once we'd worked to create a suitable thesis, I'd then help them organize their paper. I'd try to hit their biggest problems (like conjunctions and main clauses), compliment their writing again, and then encourage them to come back after they'd made the changes to their assignment.

If a paper was offensive, it would be trickier. I'd read through and emphasize the good things that they did with their paper, but then talk about the intended audience, their professor. "How do you think the professor will respond to your paper?" I'd ask. If they had no blatant factual errors or unsubstantiated remarks, I'd most likely add, "You have some controversial viewpoints." Or, if they're just making outrageous statements, "Where are your sources for this paper?" If those methods fail, I'd say something like, "It's good that you expressed your opinions, but would you agree that the most important thing is satisfying your professor? Well, I'm not sure your professor will like the way you said..." If even that didn't work, I'd go for total candor: "Some people might find the way you wrote this offensive. I'd recommend rewriting that portion." After that, it's out of my hands. If they choose to ignore my advice, they will receive the inevitable bad grade from their professor, and all they’ll be left with is that oft perpetuated but incorrect statement, "Houston, we have a problem."