Why Do I Do This To Myself?
Well, isn’t this whole thing just a perfect example of what a masochist I am? To me, writing is the most painful, stressful, time-consuming (I put a ridiculous amount of time into my papers, and it seems even more ridiculous when I see the finished product), and plain difficult thing academically. And now I will stress not only over my own papers but other people’s, too?!
At the same time, I love it. Do I love it? Well, maybe it isn’t love… Because what is love? But it is a need. The best way to explain this is by example. If I write, there is a mixture of misery and satisfaction; if I don’t write then there’s only misery. I don’t mean total misery- I am a pretty happy person- but there is a constant gnawing need for self-expression that is best met through writing something, anything.
I am a BELIEVER in many benefits, and, actually, absolute necessity, of self-expression. I meet people every day who have beautiful thoughts and ideas. If I could only be of service, in the smallest of ways, in helping them share a bit of themselves with the world through their writing, or help them achieve that satisfaction one has after expressing themselves adequately – or get a better grade on their paper- that would make my day.
But what if I steer them wrong? What if I can’t answer their questions? What if I say something stupid and, even if only for a split second, make them feel insulted or mocked? And, worst of all, I am a FOREIGNER!!! There are probably many mistakes in this very blog! And all those things I say about feeling as comfortable in English as I do in Russian don’t not mean that I feel a 100% confident tutoring either one.
I am terrified and anxious. But I am also so excited! Tutoring can be very meaningful and very positive for everyone involved. I know because I speak from my experience as a tutee. And to be a part of this process in a new role will be great, I just know it.
So, all things considered, I am looking forward to developing my love-hate relationship with writing in this new sphere. There will be challenges, and the first one of them is overcoming the fears. But, at this point, to quote Alanis Morissette, “the only way out is through.” And it is a good thing!
At the same time, I love it. Do I love it? Well, maybe it isn’t love… Because what is love? But it is a need. The best way to explain this is by example. If I write, there is a mixture of misery and satisfaction; if I don’t write then there’s only misery. I don’t mean total misery- I am a pretty happy person- but there is a constant gnawing need for self-expression that is best met through writing something, anything.
I am a BELIEVER in many benefits, and, actually, absolute necessity, of self-expression. I meet people every day who have beautiful thoughts and ideas. If I could only be of service, in the smallest of ways, in helping them share a bit of themselves with the world through their writing, or help them achieve that satisfaction one has after expressing themselves adequately – or get a better grade on their paper- that would make my day.
But what if I steer them wrong? What if I can’t answer their questions? What if I say something stupid and, even if only for a split second, make them feel insulted or mocked? And, worst of all, I am a FOREIGNER!!! There are probably many mistakes in this very blog! And all those things I say about feeling as comfortable in English as I do in Russian don’t not mean that I feel a 100% confident tutoring either one.
I am terrified and anxious. But I am also so excited! Tutoring can be very meaningful and very positive for everyone involved. I know because I speak from my experience as a tutee. And to be a part of this process in a new role will be great, I just know it.
So, all things considered, I am looking forward to developing my love-hate relationship with writing in this new sphere. There will be challenges, and the first one of them is overcoming the fears. But, at this point, to quote Alanis Morissette, “the only way out is through.” And it is a good thing!
posted by Anonymous at 6:27 PM
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