Friday, September 07, 2012

Insecurities at a New Job

I am afraid of lots of things, but when it comes to tutoring, I find that most of my common fears I have tackled at least once before in my life. Whenever you start a new job, it is really easy to confuse the uncertainty of being in a new place with new people and actual fears that come from being put into new scenarios. There is a difference between going onto a stage for the first time and stage fright. I have critiqued papers before and I have helped teach things to other before, but I’ve never done them in exactly this way in this setting with these rules.

One of my biggest fears is about disappointing myself. I have set high expectations for myself and for this job and I want to make every day count while I am here. I don’t want to be known as the girl who wastes her time. I want to be known as helpful and knowledgeable, but I also know that I will be making mistakes. It’s very difficult for me to accept that I will inevitably make mistakes and that I will definitely feel bad about them and that I will most likely get teased for making said mistakes. Sometimes humor is just a way to learn the new environment of a place and it can be used to learn the unspoken or minor rules that the more senior workers already know about but don’t usually think to tell the newer people.

I have a fear of offending someone. I know that it will probably happen whether I like it or not, but I do worry about accidentally souring what could have been a productive and useful session. I never want to be a reason that someone hates to write. I never want to be a negative role model. And I hope that as I help others find ways to love writing that I can grow as a writer. Because I want to write for a living that is what I want to do for a living, I want to learn how to be a better writer during my time in the writing center. I hope that instead of offending people that I can encourage people.

Some of the fears I have are rational because they are true, such as the fear that I am not a good tutor. The reason that this is true is because I haven’t practiced being a god tutor and I haven’t put in the time necessary to become a good tutor. And that’s okay. I think that the fear of not being good enough, in the right does, can help you grow and become better. We need that anxiety to become better people. It can keep us from becoming cocky. But too much fear can freeze us in our tracks and halt our progress. I hope that as I get into the rhythm of this job that all my little insecurities quickly become a thing of the past. 


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